Trying to escape my cancer thoughts

I am very sad to day. I woke up this morning full of plans for the day. After scrolling the newspapers on the Internet I discovered that Kelly Preston is diseased after a two years struggle against breast cancer. I met my own fear with anxiety and I could not sit still. All my plans were changed. Instead I have been trying to escape my cancer thoughts with a very long walk.

Unhappy New year with breast cancer

My BCT and sentinel node surgery

https://wp.me/pb4jAC-GI

Trying to escape my cancer thoughts

I took a walk for about 10 km with an audio book to disturb my thoughts. But it failed, of course. I dont even remember the content of the chapter I was listening to. While I was walking my mother rang. She had also become very nervous on my behalf, because she had read about Kelly Preston too. What did I do then? Well, I tried to comfort her with the facts that my lump is out and that the oncologist told me I had an early stage breast cancer and so on. My mother calmed down, but my anxiety raised to a peak I havent felt for a long time. No one was there to comfort me. After my conversation I walked even faster yet again trying to escape my cancer thoughts. I get the same feelings when people ask me how I am doing, and I say I am doing fine. It is just like they dont believe me. I just feel it. People forget that my breast cancer is not someone elses breast cancer. Each and everyone is treated differently.

The anxiety equalizer

Back home I found my writings, some notes I made after my meetings with the oncologists. These words are gold to me and my only comfort. But it takes a while to find this comfort and the calm to ease off the anxiety. During the day I know my writings will. Even though I did not know Kelly Preston, her death had a huge impact on my day. It feels like I am in family or related to anyone who struggles with the disease, or have died of it. In a way that comforts me too. We are many and more to come, unfortunately. We can comfort each other, while each of us comfort our family.

With the Landegode mountains in sight

 

2 thoughts on “Trying to escape my cancer thoughts”

  1. Or to anyone who noticed besides those of us who are so hyperaware of any breast cancer death I was only sad I had no idea she was in the club no one wishes to be a member of – yet sometimes privacy is all that’s left of us to decide who we tell and to the degree we reveal our truth that lives inside us. I hope she had the support of the kinds of people who’ve given me support as I face my own mortality. My parents are gone, my family doesn’t believe that my cancer is as bad as I have stated. It’s rough. I mourn all of us who lose our lives to cancer. It’s scary and so sad.

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