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Unhappy new year with breast cancer

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Today I got the phone call from my surgeon and she confirmed the radiologist cancer suspicion. Do I have breast cancer? I would love to say happy new year, but instead it is a unhappy new year with breast cancer.

Self examination
Feelings

My Christmas was destroyed after I felt a lump in my right breast Sunday December 8. I visited my doctor who was very busy with a fellow doctor and the new data program they had installed in the office. She examined my lump and the axillae and told me she would send me to a mammography. She ended my visit with: “I am not worried about your lump. Do you have Vipps/Stripe/instant pay?”

After a few days I got the letter from the hospital where I could have my mammography January 9. Oh my God I thought, I can not wait that long. I thought I would be better knowing, but I was wrong. I visited my hospital and begged them for a mammography. My conclusion is no matter what I did would be right, so the Christmas would be destroyed anyway.

My emotions have been a living rollercoaster spiced with hope and fear, sickness, stomach pain, sleeping problems, panic attacks, anxiety and depression. You know the feelings you got when you are having tunnel sights as I call it. In some occasions the tunnel sight is spiced with blue lights. Like the one I normally get when I am about to faint. To reach out for help I was searching around on WordPress and discovered www.cancerbus.com. 

So thank you Ilene <3 You saved my Christmas. And now you know why I messed it up.

My tumor

My tumor was 18 mm on the ultrasound and the surgeon measured it to be approximately 2 cm x 2.5. For me that is a large lump, but not to the surgeon. She called it small and because of that she wants me to have a MRI the January 15. I must say I was relieved. What concerned me more is that I do not know yet how aggressive the cancer is, and whether it likes hormones or not. But I leave that thought for now, and celebrate my surgeons optimism.

Surgery

My surgery is January 16 and I must say I am looking forward to get the tumor out. Personally I want to get rid of the entire breast, even though my surgeon recommend a breast conservative treatment (BCT). After that we have to wait and see. I guess there will be chemotherapy, but I just have to walk one step at a time. In Norway the prognosis for breast cancer are really good, so I will hold on to that thought too.

Seek help

I found a lot of help in Ilene Kaminsky’s web site “The cancer bus”. After I wrote to her my feelings calmed down a bit, and my panic attacks were not constantly turned on. At least it felt that way. Ilene tip me about Karin Sieger’s podcast and web site. She is a psychotherapist who will help you with your emotions. We are many out there.

I have written a lot about my hobbies. But after I discovered the tumor I could not find any rest in any of my hobbies like knitting and crocheting, because I start to overthink. So knitting has not been of any help mentally.  Hand knitting is mental hygiene The best thing to disturb my thoughts are audiobooks, radio or people.

I will have many ups and downs so I must say it is a really unhappy new year with breast cancer.

CraftStash

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Do I have breast cancer?

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Do I have breast cancer? Well, the radiologist seemed pretty sure, but I got to wait to January 2. before I know for certain. Then the team at the Breast diagnosis center will decide what kind og treatment I need.  This waiting time is so very long. It feels like an eternity.  I keep panicking all the time. What I fear the most is that the tumor should spread to the lymphoid tissue in the mean time, and how and what to tell my children….

The lump

First I took the mammography . And after that I went straight to the ultrasound room. I understood something was wrong when the radiologist used the ultrasound in the armpits or the axillae. She did not say anything before she decided to take three ultrasound guided biopsies. Afterwards I found out that they had found an 18 mm tumor on the ultrasound. The surgeon measured it to be 2 x 2.5 cm tumor.

Surgery

After the mammography, ultrasound and the biopsies I talked with the surgeon. The only thing I know is that there will be a lumpectomy, a breast conservative treatment. When the surgeon told me this I became a little more optimistic. They did not find anything suspicious in the lymphoid tissue in my armpits.  But even though I think I will go for a mastectomy. I doubt I will undergo a plastic reconstruction afterwards with more anesthesia and another recovery period. I am feeling to old for that, and I don’t want to be treated with radiation afterwards. That is the prize for doing a breast conservative treatment.

My feelings

I am now feeling sick and I living in a bubble. The blood has dropped down to my feet and the wall of a dark tunnel is making the world narrow. It is like a rollercoaster of feelings. Every feelings you can think of. What I think of the most is my children, but I guess I should try to leave these thoughts for now. At least try to be positive. I want to give my children the perfect Christmas, so I need to come out of my bubble as quickly as possible. It helps to distract your mind. I try to listen to audiobooks and music, just to distract myself. Knitting and crochet are out of the question at the moment, because then I start to think all these negative thoughts. So right now this is not mental hygiene……

The examination
Self examination

It is always smart to examine the breasts. Some doctors say once a month and others say every second month. The most important thing is that you do. My problem is I don’t remember when I examined mine the last time.

https://images.app.goo.gl/xxSVVxGeGsgJ7i1b8

To make my story short I discovered my tumor after I was having my shower. I could not feel any tumor but when I bent over to dry my legs I saw an entrapment in my skin. Then I started to  pinch myself. That’s when I felt it and I completely lost it….. Do I have breast cancer? Well, I am pretty sure of it.

What a Christmas this will be…….

https://hobbiesofmine.blog/chronic-stress-and-diseases/

https://wp.me/pb4jAC-wr